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When people think of a military spouse, they think of a woman married to a service member. But this isn't always the case as nearly 10% of us are men. I was born in November 1978. I am a stay at home dad to two boys, one born in October of 2000 and the other born in June of 2009. I married my wife in June of 2006. In April of 2010 she left to go to basic training for the US Army.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

What was missing......

In the time since I became a military spouse my life has seen a lot of flux. Some of the highs have been REALLY high(AUSA) and some of the lows have been REALLY low(deployment). In the year and some odd months since I kinda packed my bags and took a hiatus from being actively involved I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out where things went wrong. Where I went wrong. I can now say with certainty the one thing that messed everything up is I lost myself. I lost who I am. All because I lost my faith.

I didn't lose my faith in the sense I stopped thinking God was pursuing me and there is no God. What happened was I stopped pursuing Him. I forgot the core values that everything I believe in is based upon. In the process of trying to build up others, I let myself crumble. Thankfully however, I have a "firm foundation". And I can rebuild. Better. Stronger.

For the last 3 months I have been going through the book Rough Cut Men with a group of MANspouses. The book itself is rooted in Christianity and targets men specifically in the way author David Dusek writes it.

As I look at the chain of events in my life over the course of the last several months I can't help but to thank God for putting on my heart some 6 months ago to do this book with these guys. I had hopes of having 20-30 guys go through it but as the time got closer to begin the study, I really found an appreciation for the fact it was only 8 guys we brought together. None of them know each other besides for some "it sure is a small military" type of ways, but I know all of them. At least in part because of the friendships we have cultivated through Facebook over the last couple years.

When I began MANning the Homefront I had my past experiences with men's ministry through my church guiding my heart and leading me. I believe it's how I was able to be so successful so quickly. But when I forgot about what it means to be humble, broken, wounded, strong, courageous and a warrior all at the same time, the proverbial poop hit the rotating room cooler.

For the last 12 weeks or so I have slowly made my way back to being the person I was who I believe got me where I am. For the first time in I don't know how long, I have gotten real with men on some pretty serious stuff. It hasn't always been with the guys reading the book, but I know well enough to know if I can't go to them with something, I need to find someone.

I believe there are many levels to who and what a man is, but the lesson I am finding from all of this particular moment is Men really do prefer to fly solo. We don't like help. We want to do it on our own. We don't need directions. But we weren't created to do life alone.

If you happen to be one who believes in the whole bible thing, the bible is pretty clear man shouldn't do life alone. He needed a helper. And when my helper, my wife, the better half, the best part of my marriage, when she was gone and I was left to fend for myself....... well, you know. 

I am not here to try and convert people to the things I believe in. But I do want to get back to living those things I believe in.

When I entered MILspouse-dom, I was led by this:

"It's a long-standing truth that there is never a more devoted group of men than those who have fought alongside one another, the men of your squadron, the guys in your foxhole. It will never be a large group, but we don't need a large group. We need a band of brothers willing to 'shed their blood' with us." --- John Eldredge (Wild At Heart)
Where I really went wrong in all my endeavors is when I stopped living those words above. I stopped doing battle alongside my brothers as I fought my own battles. Battles I tried fighting alone. And not the way it is meant to be.

I look forward to what's next. Because oh yeah.... there is a next.

***It appears I have forgotten how to embed music to my blog, so click here to listen to the song for this entry.***

1 comment:

Fe Adamsonn said...

That situation you had was not easy but good thing that you are doing something to make it work. That is a very nice action. I had only few male military spouse and I dont have any idea about how you guys handle things like this. I just hope that we can do things work as others can.

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