I am not alone

A few blogs back I talked about the "seasons" of this military spouse life. I said that I would be resilient and not go through the typical seasons a spouse goes through. I used the analogy of the 4 seasons we experience in typical climates compared to the seasons I am used to going through in Florida. And for the most part I think that analogy has held true. But if you know anything about Florida weather you know one day can be mid 80's and the next a front can move through that drops the temps down to the 20's. Literally in a days time. And as a front typically pushes through the storms are ferocious. The thunder and lightning that can be associated with a torrential downpour that can drop 6 inches of rain in an hours time are amazing. But very frightening storms none the less.

In the course of the last 24 hours the climate has changed in me. Yesterday the sun was shining and the temps were in the low 80's with a cool breeze. But as the night set in the storm started brewing. Throughout the night I was woken by thunder and scared by lightening. Waking up this morning the temps went down into the 20's and I was bitterly cold.

As I got settled into bed last night my wife signed on to facebook. For any of you with a spouse deployed or away you know what an awesome feeling it is to see that little icon light up green. I am sure I am not the only one to look at my phone and recent chat history somewhere around 100 times a day, checking to see if that icon goes green. Usually I am not too disappointed when it is not showing her on, but there are moments I wish she was still a click, text or message away. And when that rare occurrence does happen when the icon is saying "hey it's your wife. She's on she's on!!!" I can hardly contain myself. But there are times like last night where I have to play second fiddle to the rest of her life.

Since my wife is the smart and organized one, she takes care of the bills. Everything is setup on autopay but of course she checks it regularly to make sure it's all on the up and up. Even if I did check it she would check it again to check on me, then check it again to make sure she didn't overlook something. along with being very responsible she also does have a life and friends outside of me. And as much as I want her to focus entirely on me whenever she gets the chance to sign on and make that icon green, I know that is a VERY selfish thing to ask. It doesn't make me angry that she has to take care of other things, but it does hurt.(And honey when you read this I KNOW it is NOT your fault-it's ok)

Throughout the course of last night I found myself waking again every 60-90 minutes with my metaphoric thunder and lightning. Hearing the imaginary thunder in my mind that sounds like my phone beeping or being woken by the lightening of a nightmare where I again am reminded my spouse is in a war zone. Feeling my way around the dark floor with my hand trying to find my phone so I can see if that icon was green. And just like my last blog said, I wake up and see I missed her by minutes one of those times.

I think you can see how such an evening would bring the metaphoric cold front my way today. For the most part the day hasn't been too terribly bad. But it is definitely a day that required some bundling up. Holding tight to words I have been given by other MILspouse's. Words such as "don't take it personal". I don't take it personal that my wife had other things to take care of last night. But even those words are not strong enough to keep the cold from seeping through.

On one of the facebook page's I created for MILspouse's I posted a comment for others to see. My true intention was to let other's know they are not alone and I left the feed open so they could vent as well. More or less I just admitted how tired of it all I am. How tired I am of dealing with the baby alone. How tired I am of the kitchen floor being a constant disgusting mess because the dog has muddy paws. I shared how I am just frustrated. Because I am. Some say when your spouse is serving in the military that you share them. Well I don't know who ever said that because sharing is equal parts. And I damn sure am not having my wife shared with me. I have given her up. And before anyone says "you knew what you were signing up for", please spare me. No one knows what we are signing up for unless we date someone for a couple years who is serving and go through a deployment or two before we decide to marry them. And even then I don't think we fully know the magnitude of what there is to go through. But none the less this is the life we have chosen.

There was one thing I was surprised about when I posted my comment on the MILspouse facebook page. I knew I would get many responses echoing what I said. I knew some would add a little extra pizazz to it and some would get real for a moment and get some things off their chest. It was meant to be a chance for some to vent because too often we are told to hold it together and suck it up. What I wasn't expecting were the number of people out of those who responded to say "wow, I thought I was the only one who felt like this." It breaks my heart to hear some stories and see how much people are hurting. It kills me to think people think they are the only one's who feel like this. I can't help it. I hate seeing people suffer. That is why even though I may not always understand why we are fighting this war, I know it is easing the pain and suffering of millions and paving the way for millions more. I don't care what your views are on the actual war and all the Taliban/insurgent crap. The humanitarian effort that is being put forward is incredible. And before you say "what about here at home first", go to your kitchen sink and get some clean drinking water and take a sip before you make that statement. Maybe you will choke on it. and then while you are choking pick up your cell phone and dial 911 and wait on the prime health care we all take for granted as well as the awesome police officer's and EMT's who will respond.(sorry I am not politically correct)

I don't like sharing my wife. I don't like giving her up. I HATE the dirty muddy paw prints all over my floor. I loathe the thought of turning down an invite to someones house because taking my active 20 month old to a non baby proofed house is much harder than sitting at home alone. It makes me goofy thinking that we are such a short time into this whole deployment. I want to pull my hair out when all the baby wants is up up up up up up up up. I feel like screaming when he is having a rough moment and screams for what feels like eternity right into my ear until it begins ringing and nothing will settle him down. I want to throw the bowl he just threw. But this time it will be minus the food because it all came out when he threw it the first time.(Thankfully the dog isn't picky and will lick the food off the muddy paw print floor) I am over it being easier to avoid conversation. Because hearing "oh it's not that bad" or "I know how you feel" or "she will be home before you know it" or any of those other catchy things, doesn;t do much good. And God forbid the next person who says "I am here for you". Yes, in thought you are. And even if you somehow miraculously did make yourself available to me physically by taking the baby or cleaning my floors, you won't replace what is really missing.

As much as it hurt to see all those posts from other MILspouses saying exactly what I said or only adding to what I forgot to mention, it was also bittersweet. Because it reminded me I am not alone. That I am not the only one who feels so stressed and overwhelmed as that metaphoric cold front moves in.

***This song is "You are not alone" by Micheal Jackson. It is for all my fellow MILspouse's. Because you my friends are not alone. You are not going crazy, you are moving through the motions and dealing with the emotions. For me this song reminds me not only that I am not alone in this life, but I am not alone in life in general. Though my wife is thousands of miles away, it's like I can hear her whispering in my ear that I am not alone. I hope that all of my brother and sister MILspouse's can hear through this song the words of their deployed loved one telling them "Thank You for taking care of the house. You are not alone."

My wife would more than likely never whisper these words to me. And she sure as hell ain't about to dedicate a song like this to me. That's just not her. But I know that you are the backbone to your spouse. And even if they don't verbalize it, they appreciate what you do. Don't doubt that. Ever. Even when that little icon is green and it shows they are on but they are catching up on some other things. Don't take it personal.***