Most of you who follow my blog know I had created a facebook page for male military spouses(MANspouses) called MANning the Homefront. In addition to that facebook page a few other pages were created as "groups" on facebook to give guys a more private area to shoot the breeze. Not only is MANning the Homefront online, but we have also been meeting guys in person here at Fort Riley for all sorts of activities and get-togethers. But for those of you that are close with me, you may have noticed things have seemingly deteriorated over the last few months, and I felt a blog was in order to explain where things are and where they may be going.
I think for this blog some music will help ya get through it. And who better than Kenny Rogers?
Over the summer last year(2012) MANning saw a surge in popularity. We began connecting more and more men as well as spreading the message that MANspouses may in fact not be as rare as many people think. While we will never equal the number of female MILspouses, there are literally tens of thousands of us, close to 100,000 MANspouses of Active Duty female service members. As far as MANning was concerned, it was going FANTASTIC!!! We even had several men who expressed a desire to launch an in person group at their installation, sadly that didn't materialize the way many of us had hoped.
In addition to the popularity of MANning, I saw a popularity of sorts begin to rise for me as an individual. The highest high's were speaking at (Association of the United States Army) AUSA's Annual Conference in Washington, DC (you can view my presentation by clicking here and moving along to the 20 minute mark) This was the first time that MANspouses were spoken about in such detail on the National level. Another REALLY big thing was participating in a "choir project" that is expected to be aired on the USA Network this summer. What made this such a high was not that I will get to be on TV(I have a face for radio) or that I love to sing(although a voice for my ears and ONLY my ears), but it was the fact that for several months the production was ONLY going to cast female military spouses. I like to believe that I played a very large part in getting MANspouses involved in the project.
In addition to those I just mentioned, there were many others. Earlier in the year I was invited to join Her War Her Voice and Not Alone for a fundraising opportunity also in DC, later in the year I was asked by Military.com and SpouseBUZZ.com to speak at the New Media Expo in Las Vegas. Throw in a speaking opportunity with the Manhattan Military Relations Committee and an invitation by the spouse of Fort Riley's Commanding General to share the idea of MANning to many of the "Senior Spouses" and other individuals within FORSCOM, and, well..... it was quite overwhelming for a man who has only been a military spouse for 3 years now(2013). On top of those things I just mentioned, there were many other opportunities that never in a million years could I have imagined being offered.
What I didn't count on as the popularity in MANning rose was how it would impact me. I have been open about my struggles with my mental health and I do believe as busy as last year was it contributed to my stress level rising to an unmanageable level. Not only was I becoming overexerted with MANning opportunities, but I also wasn't prepared for the ridicule that came with being "in the light". Like most people, I don't much care to be talked about in a negative way. And what I found was the more opportunities I was given, the more smack talk was directed at me. The worst of which is of course spoken behind one's back, by people they feel they can trust.
All of the above led me to take a hiatus from my effort with MANning. And sadly, it led me to resign my position from the Army Wife Network. And this is where the song I hope you are listening to comes in.....
So what am I doing personally and with MANning? Am I "holding, folding or walking away"? I can't "walk away" because I believe so strongly in the need for men to have other men in their lives to strengthen them. I can't "fold" because I am not a quitter. So that only leaves "holding". For the time being I am just taking a break. I don't have a solid time frame to go back "all in", but for the time being I am just going to let the game play out. I will "ante up" for various opportunities that are presented to me, and unless the hand dealt my way is too good to pass up, I will just play the cards as they come.
In June of this year my family will be PCSing to Fort Lewis. While I am sad to leave Fort Riley and the wonderful community it is, I am VERY much looking forward to the fresh start. I am looking forward to taking the lessons I have learned over the last 3 years as a military spouse and applying them to my new community. I have learned so many things about myself and how to be an effective leader as I have reflected on the past year that I am confidant the next chapter to this story is going to be more amazing than what has already been written.
As I said, I will "ante up" and still be in "the game", but I am going to continue to "hold" until I feel led to jump back in.
There are SO many people who have helped me along the way I want to give them a shout out(thank you)! While this list may be long, there are bound to be many I leave off.....
First and foremost, thanks to my wonderful wife for having supported all of my efforts over the last couple years. I am a much better man because of her.
THANKS to Tara Crooks, Star Henderson and the ENTIRE team of Army Wife Network, Babette Maxwell and Erin Whitehead of Military Spouse Magazine, Amy Bushatz and Jacey Eckhart of SpouseBuzz, Bianca Strzalkowski, Jeremy Hilton, Chris Pape of MachoSpouse.com, Allison Pulcher, Melissa Kinney(Ft Riley MWR), Everett Lopez, Guy Dreier, Dave Etter, Patt Donaldson, Tim Blake, John Avelis, Jenny Carr(Not Alone), Bevin Landrum, Sandy Risberg, Shand Mayville, Rich Crowley, my mom(Nancy) and Aunt Jo, April Blackmon(Ft Riley USO), Patty Barron(AUSA Family Programs Director), Nicole Carrol, "Mama" Mary Urzi, Cyd Weeks, Karen Francis, Angela Caban(who was the first to "give me a shot"), DJ Purvis, and countless others.
One person who deserves to stand out amongst the rest is my "Yoda", Melissa Selgiman of Her War Her Voice. If not for her, I may not have been given most of the opportunities I was given..... but more importantly I may not have known that I had a voice.
To all those I mentioned and those I didn't, THANK YOU! And this song is dedicated to you. I won't stay out of the game/down for long.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Sunday, November 18, 2012
*Women* Married to the Army- The TV Show
What an AMAZING night for military wives, and Jeremy(Hilton)!!!
Tonight on The OWN Network military spouses are being recognized in a glorious way. It started with representatives from all the branch's of the US Armed Forces being recognized by Oprah herself on her renowned Favorite Things episode. I count myself fortunate to be virtual friends with a few of those MILspouses and offered the chance to learn from them what it means to be selfless.
Following the Favorite Things episode was the new series 'Married to the Army:Alaska'. This is a true and real life reality show that follows several Army wives through their daily lives while their husbands are deployed(It's not Lifetime's Army Wives). The show started off with just the right stuff to gain an audience. It had DRAMA!! In this very first episode there were a number of things that caught the attention of military spouses. Well, at least according to my twitter feed and facebook timeline.
What stuck out to many in this first episode was how Lindsey seemed to epitomize what all military spouses try to debunk as the stereo-typical "Officer's wife". But that's not what stuck out to me. OK, it did, but because I was following Rynn and Yolanda on Twitter, I am led to believe that what we saw was real people with real issues that will be worked through in the coming episodes. I honestly believe when all is said and done most of us MILspouses will be able to say we are proud of the way these ladies represented US. But to me, there was something missing. And that something was a little testosterone.
Unlike the fictional show on Lifetime that depicts Army Wives, this show doesn't have a MANspouse like Roland. There isn't the token male military spouse to pour the tea at the wife of the Commander's house. And for me, the guy who beats the drum for getting MANspouses more recognized in our military community, you know that just bugs the tar out of me.
Now I am not sure about all of the backdrop regarding this show, but I do know the ladies on the show are wives of men of 4th Brigade Combat Team, 25th Infantry from Fort Richardson, Alaska. If you know anything about the Army, you know women are not allowed to serve in an infantry unit, so it will come as no surprise that there aren't any MANspouses cast into this show. But I have news for many of you, women DO IN FACT deploy with infantry units. Whether the women deploy in a "support" role or something a little more "front line". Women can and DO deploy with Infantrymen in roles that do in fact put them on those front lines. Two prime examples of that is women who are part of FET Teams (Female Engagement Team) or CST Teams(Cultural Support Team).
I won't claim to know the ins and outs of 4th BCT, 25th Inf, but I will say this show tonight reminded me all too well of what got me started when I created MANning the Homefront. My wife deployed with an Infantry unit. It was extra lonely as I knew there just weren't any real chances of connecting with the other spouses in the unit on the level us MILspouses know it takes to become resilient. (Lucky for me I found other avenues)
I can't say for sure that there were any women who deployed with this brigade and left a MANspouse back home to "man the home front", but I do assume that there just had to be. Although maybe that wouldn't have made for great TV. Or maybe no men would answer the casting call. Whatever the case, I look forward to seeing how this show will progress. I do feel that what this show will do is in fact capture the life we live. This seems to be a very diverse group of ladies and although we don't share the same genitalia, in many ways we do share the same story.
I am going to continue to beat the drum to have MANspouses better recognized in our military community, our marriages depend on it. But for now, I want to share with you all the song that sums up what it is like for many men who are married to a service member. Especially us men who are married to a woman who deploys with an Infantry unit. Because it does happen. Or else that 12 months was just a farce.
Tonight on The OWN Network military spouses are being recognized in a glorious way. It started with representatives from all the branch's of the US Armed Forces being recognized by Oprah herself on her renowned Favorite Things episode. I count myself fortunate to be virtual friends with a few of those MILspouses and offered the chance to learn from them what it means to be selfless.
Following the Favorite Things episode was the new series 'Married to the Army:Alaska'. This is a true and real life reality show that follows several Army wives through their daily lives while their husbands are deployed(It's not Lifetime's Army Wives). The show started off with just the right stuff to gain an audience. It had DRAMA!! In this very first episode there were a number of things that caught the attention of military spouses. Well, at least according to my twitter feed and facebook timeline.
What stuck out to many in this first episode was how Lindsey seemed to epitomize what all military spouses try to debunk as the stereo-typical "Officer's wife". But that's not what stuck out to me. OK, it did, but because I was following Rynn and Yolanda on Twitter, I am led to believe that what we saw was real people with real issues that will be worked through in the coming episodes. I honestly believe when all is said and done most of us MILspouses will be able to say we are proud of the way these ladies represented US. But to me, there was something missing. And that something was a little testosterone.
Unlike the fictional show on Lifetime that depicts Army Wives, this show doesn't have a MANspouse like Roland. There isn't the token male military spouse to pour the tea at the wife of the Commander's house. And for me, the guy who beats the drum for getting MANspouses more recognized in our military community, you know that just bugs the tar out of me.
Now I am not sure about all of the backdrop regarding this show, but I do know the ladies on the show are wives of men of 4th Brigade Combat Team, 25th Infantry from Fort Richardson, Alaska. If you know anything about the Army, you know women are not allowed to serve in an infantry unit, so it will come as no surprise that there aren't any MANspouses cast into this show. But I have news for many of you, women DO IN FACT deploy with infantry units. Whether the women deploy in a "support" role or something a little more "front line". Women can and DO deploy with Infantrymen in roles that do in fact put them on those front lines. Two prime examples of that is women who are part of FET Teams (Female Engagement Team) or CST Teams(Cultural Support Team).
I won't claim to know the ins and outs of 4th BCT, 25th Inf, but I will say this show tonight reminded me all too well of what got me started when I created MANning the Homefront. My wife deployed with an Infantry unit. It was extra lonely as I knew there just weren't any real chances of connecting with the other spouses in the unit on the level us MILspouses know it takes to become resilient. (Lucky for me I found other avenues)
I can't say for sure that there were any women who deployed with this brigade and left a MANspouse back home to "man the home front", but I do assume that there just had to be. Although maybe that wouldn't have made for great TV. Or maybe no men would answer the casting call. Whatever the case, I look forward to seeing how this show will progress. I do feel that what this show will do is in fact capture the life we live. This seems to be a very diverse group of ladies and although we don't share the same genitalia, in many ways we do share the same story.
I am going to continue to beat the drum to have MANspouses better recognized in our military community, our marriages depend on it. But for now, I want to share with you all the song that sums up what it is like for many men who are married to a service member. Especially us men who are married to a woman who deploys with an Infantry unit. Because it does happen. Or else that 12 months was just a farce.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Why Does It Have To Be So DAMN Hard!?!
No one who has truly lived has ever said life was easy. Life is very challenging. For some of us we excel in areas where others struggle and we struggle where others excel. I like to think that my marriage is a good example of this. I tend to believe that where I am weak, my wife is strong and vice versa. To me, the way we compliment each other is a great recipe. But this blog isn't about my marriage. It's about me. So I want to start off with 10 things that are hard for me(in no particular order):
1) Throwing a curve ball
2) NOT sharing my opinions/thoughts
3) Following through on what I set out to do
4) Losing weight
5) Focusing on details
6) Quitting smoking
7) Honoring my wife and family (This song sums that up)
8) Finding time for myself
9) Sitting still
10) Keeping my faith fed
I could easily add another 2,038 things to that list. However, right now there are two things I find extremely difficult. One is writing this blog. I have wanted to write it for a few weeks now, but I couldn't. I couldn't get myself to open up like I have in the past. I have been scared to show the REAL me again. I guess I have been fearful that people would find out I am a fraud. People would find out that I don't have it all together like I let people believe. If you know me offline, you are aware of most of my flaws. It only takes meeting me a few times to see the REAL me. But most of my interactions are virtual. So it is easy to put on a happy face when you are sitting behind a computer.
The second thing that is extremely difficult for me is the topic of this blog. I feel the need to share that for the last several weeks I have been struggling mightily with my depression again. For the rest of this blog I will set it to music. The song that I rarely(if ever) hear on the radio, but plays in my mind on a continuous loop. Feel free to click play and enjoy the music as I hope you enjoy my blog.....
Prior to my wife's enlistment I am almost certain I was a little off. Had I ever had a bout with depression before? No, but there were things that would indicate I may be susceptible to it. While I have never been diagnosed with anything(yet) besides situational deppression, I would say there is a high probability that I am either manic-depressive, bi-polar or some other sort of personality disorder. It's the truth. It's the hard truth. One I have a hard time admitting. I have seen enough in myself to know there is something different about me. I have spent enough time reflecting on who I am and how I react to things to realize there is something going on in my head that makes life just a little more challenging for me than most.
You may be wondering why I am sharing this personal stuff. You may be wanting to know what the point is of airing my dirty laundry. You may even be saying "there sure is something wrong with this guy if he is blogging about this stuff. Dude is a few fries short of a Happy Meal." Well here is why I am sharing this. I want to know WHY IS IT SO DAMN HARD TO GET HELP!?!
They say things come in threes. This bout of depression is no different. I think I pinpointed the three things that set me off. In order they are:
1) My wife left for 30 days and it opened the flood gates to the memories of her deployment. This is the triggering event.
2) I realized MANning the Homefront became overwhelming with as well much it has taken off and since it seems to be growing quicker than I can keep up with. It seems to be at the point where I wonder how much further I can take it. This is what made the depression continue.
3) We lost a MANspouse locally. A young man. Just 24. A pre existing condition caused his heart to give out while he was working out. I barely knew him. We met maybe a half dozen times. But this kid was full of life. He absolutely adored his wife. He spoke often of his/their future. A future that was so bright. He was always smiling. Always laughing. This kid, this man..... he was quality people. The straw that broke the camels back.
All of those things happened in less than two weeks. Add in a dash of financial struggles and a sprinkle of an adventurous toddler who can eat a full 5 tablespoons of grated Parmesan Cheese in one mouthful without gagging and dumping the rest of the container on the floor, and you have a recipe for disaster.
Before I go any further, I am fine(mom, you hear that? I AM FINE). I have not kept this all in and to myself. I consider myself lucky to have a wife who doesn't cower when I share that I am going to the Dr for depression/anxiety issues. I am lucky to have an incredible team with AWN. And I am DAMN lucky I have a Yoda in my life. Above all those things I am lucky I am honest.
While having friends/confidants is great, with as bad as I have been I needed medical help. And I sought it out. On two separate occasions I was in my Dr's office for something unrelated. Both times I was honest in the fact I was feeling depressed. Both times the questions were asked that deal with depression. Both times I answered brutally honest. Both times I said YES when I was asked if I had "suicidal thoughts/thoughts that I thought I would be better off dead", both times I said yes. **Let me make clear that I never had a plan. I never got beyond the stage of "I just wish it would all go away." But even those thoughts are too much, right?**
After both visits at the Dr's office I was given the opportunity to speak with a "counselor". Because of how honest I am with myself and them we all knew I was not a danger to myself or others. I was encouraged to see someone who could treat me for my depression long term. It was recommend I seek psychiatric care. And I listened. I called. I was surprised to find a place that would see me in just 48 hours. The last time this stuff was going on it was 6-12 weeks to get in to see someone. So this time I was stoked that I may get quality care right away. Little did I know the appointment I made was only an intake appointment. The guy I was meeting with was going to make the decision of what kind of Dr/therapist/counselor I needed to see. And then said it would be 6-12 weeks before they could get me in. This is where the conversation went next:
ME: "So here you guys don't treat someone prior to them being in crisis, you wait til they are in crisis and then treat them?"
INTAKE COUNSELOR: Enthusiastically says "EXACTLY!!!"
That was the end of that intake and I left.
If you are part of the military community you know we have lots of resources available to us for mental health. Military ONESource is a great resource. But I have my reasons for not using them. MFLC's are another great resource. Again, I have my reasons for not going to them. I highly recommend others to both of those resources, but because I want to choose my Dr through TriCare rather than one assigned to me that may or may not accept TriCare and be able to continue to see me after the initial referral from ONESource ends, I choose not to use them. Because of previous experience with the MFLC's and knowing that they are a band aid and I needed stitches, I chose not to use them.
Today I went to the Dr again. The other times I went to the Dr I was going for unrelated reasons to my depression. Today was specifically to target it. What was the only solution the Dr could offer(besides some Zoloft)? He could make me a referral to talk to someone in the hospitals Behavioral Health office who will have me do an evaluation and intake to determine if I need care. I KNOW I NEED CARE! Behavioral Health at our hospital on post does NOT see spouses of service members so I would be referred off post to one of the many psyches I have already called. Out of the list of over 20 providers I was given ALL are either not accepting new patients or the wait is 6-12 weeks.
I am glad I got the medication he gave me. I feel EXTREMELY confidant in him as a Dr. I think he did all he could do, but this experience has left me with some questions. And they are:
What if this was someone who didn't have a multitude of people to turn to? To lean on?
What if this was someone who couldn't get off the couch like I would force myself to?
What if this was someone who gave up after the first time of reaching out for help?
What if this was someone who couldn't force them self to find a reason to live?
What if this was someone who didn't have a Yoda, a team and a supportive family?
What if this was a spouse friend of mine with a deployed husband/wife?
There are a lot of "What if's" here. I hate to think about "what if" the unthinkable were to happen to anyone. So that leads me to the "why" and the "who".
Why does it have to be so damn hard to get help?
Why is it so hard to see a psych the first time you ask to see one?
Why are there so many hoops, hurdles and freakin flaming rings for someone to jump through who probably mustered every ounce of them self to actually admit they have a problem?
Who else is feeling like I have?
Who is struggling to make the changes they need?
Who is unable to lift the phone, let alone make it to the Dr's office?
Who has given up on reaching out?
Who has given up....on life?
Who is counting them, the military spouses and family members who are taking their own lives?
I have talked about all this before. And this time is no different. I know I will survive. Because I have around me the people and plans to make sure I do. But there are those who don't.
In the military community we are hearing regularly that there has been one suicide per day this year amongst our service members. We are hearing that there is somewhere in the upwards of 15-17 veterans killing themself daily. But we have no clue as to how many spouses and family members are taking their own lives. Some are wondering if the numbers our comparable to those I mentioned above regarding our service members/veterans.
Friends, I am fine. I will be fine. But something has to change. It shouldn't be this damn hard to get quality mental health care for the families of our service members. Please don't worry about me. Yoda and others have my back.
If you do nothing else with this long blog..... watch this video and share it. Then ask how.... how can you help. Don't ask me, ask yourself.
1) Throwing a curve ball
2) NOT sharing my opinions/thoughts
3) Following through on what I set out to do
4) Losing weight
5) Focusing on details
6) Quitting smoking
7) Honoring my wife and family (This song sums that up)
8) Finding time for myself
9) Sitting still
10) Keeping my faith fed
I could easily add another 2,038 things to that list. However, right now there are two things I find extremely difficult. One is writing this blog. I have wanted to write it for a few weeks now, but I couldn't. I couldn't get myself to open up like I have in the past. I have been scared to show the REAL me again. I guess I have been fearful that people would find out I am a fraud. People would find out that I don't have it all together like I let people believe. If you know me offline, you are aware of most of my flaws. It only takes meeting me a few times to see the REAL me. But most of my interactions are virtual. So it is easy to put on a happy face when you are sitting behind a computer.
The second thing that is extremely difficult for me is the topic of this blog. I feel the need to share that for the last several weeks I have been struggling mightily with my depression again. For the rest of this blog I will set it to music. The song that I rarely(if ever) hear on the radio, but plays in my mind on a continuous loop. Feel free to click play and enjoy the music as I hope you enjoy my blog.....
Prior to my wife's enlistment I am almost certain I was a little off. Had I ever had a bout with depression before? No, but there were things that would indicate I may be susceptible to it. While I have never been diagnosed with anything(yet) besides situational deppression, I would say there is a high probability that I am either manic-depressive, bi-polar or some other sort of personality disorder. It's the truth. It's the hard truth. One I have a hard time admitting. I have seen enough in myself to know there is something different about me. I have spent enough time reflecting on who I am and how I react to things to realize there is something going on in my head that makes life just a little more challenging for me than most.
You may be wondering why I am sharing this personal stuff. You may be wanting to know what the point is of airing my dirty laundry. You may even be saying "there sure is something wrong with this guy if he is blogging about this stuff. Dude is a few fries short of a Happy Meal." Well here is why I am sharing this. I want to know WHY IS IT SO DAMN HARD TO GET HELP!?!
They say things come in threes. This bout of depression is no different. I think I pinpointed the three things that set me off. In order they are:
1) My wife left for 30 days and it opened the flood gates to the memories of her deployment. This is the triggering event.
2) I realized MANning the Homefront became overwhelming with as well much it has taken off and since it seems to be growing quicker than I can keep up with. It seems to be at the point where I wonder how much further I can take it. This is what made the depression continue.
3) We lost a MANspouse locally. A young man. Just 24. A pre existing condition caused his heart to give out while he was working out. I barely knew him. We met maybe a half dozen times. But this kid was full of life. He absolutely adored his wife. He spoke often of his/their future. A future that was so bright. He was always smiling. Always laughing. This kid, this man..... he was quality people. The straw that broke the camels back.
All of those things happened in less than two weeks. Add in a dash of financial struggles and a sprinkle of an adventurous toddler who can eat a full 5 tablespoons of grated Parmesan Cheese in one mouthful without gagging and dumping the rest of the container on the floor, and you have a recipe for disaster.
Before I go any further, I am fine(mom, you hear that? I AM FINE). I have not kept this all in and to myself. I consider myself lucky to have a wife who doesn't cower when I share that I am going to the Dr for depression/anxiety issues. I am lucky to have an incredible team with AWN. And I am DAMN lucky I have a Yoda in my life. Above all those things I am lucky I am honest.
While having friends/confidants is great, with as bad as I have been I needed medical help. And I sought it out. On two separate occasions I was in my Dr's office for something unrelated. Both times I was honest in the fact I was feeling depressed. Both times the questions were asked that deal with depression. Both times I answered brutally honest. Both times I said YES when I was asked if I had "suicidal thoughts/thoughts that I thought I would be better off dead", both times I said yes. **Let me make clear that I never had a plan. I never got beyond the stage of "I just wish it would all go away." But even those thoughts are too much, right?**
After both visits at the Dr's office I was given the opportunity to speak with a "counselor". Because of how honest I am with myself and them we all knew I was not a danger to myself or others. I was encouraged to see someone who could treat me for my depression long term. It was recommend I seek psychiatric care. And I listened. I called. I was surprised to find a place that would see me in just 48 hours. The last time this stuff was going on it was 6-12 weeks to get in to see someone. So this time I was stoked that I may get quality care right away. Little did I know the appointment I made was only an intake appointment. The guy I was meeting with was going to make the decision of what kind of Dr/therapist/counselor I needed to see. And then said it would be 6-12 weeks before they could get me in. This is where the conversation went next:
ME: "So here you guys don't treat someone prior to them being in crisis, you wait til they are in crisis and then treat them?"
INTAKE COUNSELOR: Enthusiastically says "EXACTLY!!!"
That was the end of that intake and I left.
If you are part of the military community you know we have lots of resources available to us for mental health. Military ONESource is a great resource. But I have my reasons for not using them. MFLC's are another great resource. Again, I have my reasons for not going to them. I highly recommend others to both of those resources, but because I want to choose my Dr through TriCare rather than one assigned to me that may or may not accept TriCare and be able to continue to see me after the initial referral from ONESource ends, I choose not to use them. Because of previous experience with the MFLC's and knowing that they are a band aid and I needed stitches, I chose not to use them.
Today I went to the Dr again. The other times I went to the Dr I was going for unrelated reasons to my depression. Today was specifically to target it. What was the only solution the Dr could offer(besides some Zoloft)? He could make me a referral to talk to someone in the hospitals Behavioral Health office who will have me do an evaluation and intake to determine if I need care. I KNOW I NEED CARE! Behavioral Health at our hospital on post does NOT see spouses of service members so I would be referred off post to one of the many psyches I have already called. Out of the list of over 20 providers I was given ALL are either not accepting new patients or the wait is 6-12 weeks.
I am glad I got the medication he gave me. I feel EXTREMELY confidant in him as a Dr. I think he did all he could do, but this experience has left me with some questions. And they are:
What if this was someone who didn't have a multitude of people to turn to? To lean on?
What if this was someone who couldn't get off the couch like I would force myself to?
What if this was someone who gave up after the first time of reaching out for help?
What if this was someone who couldn't force them self to find a reason to live?
What if this was someone who didn't have a Yoda, a team and a supportive family?
What if this was a spouse friend of mine with a deployed husband/wife?
There are a lot of "What if's" here. I hate to think about "what if" the unthinkable were to happen to anyone. So that leads me to the "why" and the "who".
Why does it have to be so damn hard to get help?
Why is it so hard to see a psych the first time you ask to see one?
Why are there so many hoops, hurdles and freakin flaming rings for someone to jump through who probably mustered every ounce of them self to actually admit they have a problem?
Who else is feeling like I have?
Who is struggling to make the changes they need?
Who is unable to lift the phone, let alone make it to the Dr's office?
Who has given up on reaching out?
Who has given up....on life?
Who is counting them, the military spouses and family members who are taking their own lives?
I have talked about all this before. And this time is no different. I know I will survive. Because I have around me the people and plans to make sure I do. But there are those who don't.
In the military community we are hearing regularly that there has been one suicide per day this year amongst our service members. We are hearing that there is somewhere in the upwards of 15-17 veterans killing themself daily. But we have no clue as to how many spouses and family members are taking their own lives. Some are wondering if the numbers our comparable to those I mentioned above regarding our service members/veterans.
Friends, I am fine. I will be fine. But something has to change. It shouldn't be this damn hard to get quality mental health care for the families of our service members. Please don't worry about me. Yoda and others have my back.
If you do nothing else with this long blog..... watch this video and share it. Then ask how.... how can you help. Don't ask me, ask yourself.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
A Gentle(or not so gentle) Reminder......
It's been so long since I blogged for myself I almost forgot how to access my blog. No joke.
Even worse than the slip of my password and which email address I use for my blog, I worry I won't know how to open up anymore. I worry that if I do open up I will expose myself to ridicule and criticism. I worry that I won't know what to say or how to say it.
The last several months have been CRAZY AWESOME! So many things that I have been working so hard on are taking shape. Our group for MANspouses, MANning the Homefront, it is blowing up. Our main Facebook page has seen nearly 350-400 new followers since I last blogged. We have also created a "private group" on Facebook for us MANspouses to connect in. For the most part the guys don't communicate on our main public page, but nearly every day dozens of conversations are taking place between male significant others of service members in that "private group". Most of the time we are just busting each others chops, but often there are real and meaningful conversations taking place with guys sharing their experiences. We are quickly approaching 100 MANspouses in that private group. And if you ask me, that is freakin AWESOME! 100 MANspouses in one location?
We are also seeing new online groups for us MANspouses pop up and become active. While some may see that as a sign of competition or people who are recreating the wheel, I view it as men who are trying to reach men in ways MANning is not. And I like it.
In addition to how well our online community is growing, our offline community is growing as well. Here at Fort Riley we have added at least one new MANspouse to each monthly dinner for 7 of the 9 months in 2012. Sure we have lost a few guys here and there to ETS, PCS, deployment(babysitting issues) and lack of interest, but we are on the right track.
On top of getting guys together for our monthly dinners, guys are taking it upon themselves to connect with one another outside the structure of our group. And honestly, that is what MANning boils down to. Personal connections.
While the Fort Riley group is growing, we have also launched a group in the Washington, DC area and have interest for several other groups to begin meeting as well. In about 7-9 locations we have MANspouses who are looking to host their own monthly dinners and help guys connect. It's absolutely INCREDIBLE!!! Through our "private group" guys are already linking up together.
If all those things I just mentioned weren't good enough in regards to MANning, we are currently working with Not Alone:Life After War to organize and facilitate a weekend get-a-way/retreat for MANspouses only. It will be the first of it's kind and is an opportunity I never could have imagined when all this started out.
The cherry on the cake to all this is I have been invited by AUSA(Association of the United States Army) to fly to Washington, DC and participate on an AUSA Family Programs Family Forum panel at AUSA's Annual Meeting and Exposition. I will be adding my thoughts as a MANspouse and some of the possible struggles and issues our families face. **The divorce rate for a female service member is still double(almost triple) that of what it is for a male service member.** And in case you didn't check those links for AUSA and you don't know what it is, let's just say it's "the big leagues". It is an incredible honor to even receive the invitation. Well at least I think it is.
All that I just mentioned is the "meat" to what has been up with MANning, but there has been "side dishes" such as the creation of an Executive Board to oversee MANning, the consideration to incorporate or not, to obtain non-profit status or not, to create local chapters and create membership, preparing to launch a website, adding Admins to our facebook page to help with our growth, empowering other men to begin blogging their own journeys, encouraging guys to get active in their local "Spouse Clubs" and FRG's and this, that and the other thing. Now for good measure throw in requests for me to write for various publications and a few interview requests; and well...... you got yourself one heck of an update as to where I have been the last several months since I last blogged.
Now tell me, isn't all I just mentioned reason to celebrate? Isn't it all just INCREDIBLY AWESOME? Isn't it all just........ overwhelming?
You would think that with all that is going right that life would be perfect, on the professional/volunteer level. Unfortunately however, it is not. This weekend I found myself writing my monthly blog for Army Wife Network and was unable to find anything to write about. I was able to pull something out, but I definitely was not happy with what I wrote. And because of that, I am writing this blog now. And will most likely go back and rewrite another blog for this month.
I don't want to say I got "too big for my britches" with all the growth and great things that have been happening, but I may have been "called up" to the "Big Leagues" a little early. I don't think I need to head back to the "Minor Leagues", but I do need to work on my swing. I need to listen more to my coaches. I need to not try to be the best All-around Player at the moment, but perhaps work on being a specialty player. And let my abilities take shape and grow into my role.
A wise friend of mine likes to say something to the effect of "every time you say yes to one thing, you are saying NO to another. Or even several things". And ain't that the truth! I have found myself so busy over the last 5-7 weeks that I have completed roughly 10% of all the projects I set out to do. And only 1/2 of those projects were done to the best of my ability where I can say I am without a doubt proud of what I have done.
I am going to work on prioritizing some things. I want to get back to the basics and what got me to where I am. I want to be true to myself. So I will start using my blog again. And the only other place I think I will be writing is over at Army Wife Network's Loving A Soldier blog. Why there? Simple. Cuz AWN is where my family is. It's where my heart is. And it's where I belong. The only place my heart has ever been into what I am doing is when it was in regards to my personal blog, to my work with MANning and to my work with AWN.
Some of you may not consider what I do as "work". Why? Because I don't get paid for it of course. But I assure you, it is work. Although it is a labor of love.
Through a series of events(teenie tiny minuscule events) over the last week or two I have been doing some major soul searching and reflection. I know I am not "too big for my britches" because the person who is, well they don't search within themselves that often. Thankfully though.... I am reminded of who I am.
Boy.... how I have missed adding songs to close out what I write.
Even worse than the slip of my password and which email address I use for my blog, I worry I won't know how to open up anymore. I worry that if I do open up I will expose myself to ridicule and criticism. I worry that I won't know what to say or how to say it.
The last several months have been CRAZY AWESOME! So many things that I have been working so hard on are taking shape. Our group for MANspouses, MANning the Homefront, it is blowing up. Our main Facebook page has seen nearly 350-400 new followers since I last blogged. We have also created a "private group" on Facebook for us MANspouses to connect in. For the most part the guys don't communicate on our main public page, but nearly every day dozens of conversations are taking place between male significant others of service members in that "private group". Most of the time we are just busting each others chops, but often there are real and meaningful conversations taking place with guys sharing their experiences. We are quickly approaching 100 MANspouses in that private group. And if you ask me, that is freakin AWESOME! 100 MANspouses in one location?
We are also seeing new online groups for us MANspouses pop up and become active. While some may see that as a sign of competition or people who are recreating the wheel, I view it as men who are trying to reach men in ways MANning is not. And I like it.
In addition to how well our online community is growing, our offline community is growing as well. Here at Fort Riley we have added at least one new MANspouse to each monthly dinner for 7 of the 9 months in 2012. Sure we have lost a few guys here and there to ETS, PCS, deployment(babysitting issues) and lack of interest, but we are on the right track.
On top of getting guys together for our monthly dinners, guys are taking it upon themselves to connect with one another outside the structure of our group. And honestly, that is what MANning boils down to. Personal connections.
While the Fort Riley group is growing, we have also launched a group in the Washington, DC area and have interest for several other groups to begin meeting as well. In about 7-9 locations we have MANspouses who are looking to host their own monthly dinners and help guys connect. It's absolutely INCREDIBLE!!! Through our "private group" guys are already linking up together.
If all those things I just mentioned weren't good enough in regards to MANning, we are currently working with Not Alone:Life After War to organize and facilitate a weekend get-a-way/retreat for MANspouses only. It will be the first of it's kind and is an opportunity I never could have imagined when all this started out.
The cherry on the cake to all this is I have been invited by AUSA(Association of the United States Army) to fly to Washington, DC and participate on an AUSA Family Programs Family Forum panel at AUSA's Annual Meeting and Exposition. I will be adding my thoughts as a MANspouse and some of the possible struggles and issues our families face. **The divorce rate for a female service member is still double(almost triple) that of what it is for a male service member.** And in case you didn't check those links for AUSA and you don't know what it is, let's just say it's "the big leagues". It is an incredible honor to even receive the invitation. Well at least I think it is.
All that I just mentioned is the "meat" to what has been up with MANning, but there has been "side dishes" such as the creation of an Executive Board to oversee MANning, the consideration to incorporate or not, to obtain non-profit status or not, to create local chapters and create membership, preparing to launch a website, adding Admins to our facebook page to help with our growth, empowering other men to begin blogging their own journeys, encouraging guys to get active in their local "Spouse Clubs" and FRG's and this, that and the other thing. Now for good measure throw in requests for me to write for various publications and a few interview requests; and well...... you got yourself one heck of an update as to where I have been the last several months since I last blogged.
Now tell me, isn't all I just mentioned reason to celebrate? Isn't it all just INCREDIBLY AWESOME? Isn't it all just........ overwhelming?
You would think that with all that is going right that life would be perfect, on the professional/volunteer level. Unfortunately however, it is not. This weekend I found myself writing my monthly blog for Army Wife Network and was unable to find anything to write about. I was able to pull something out, but I definitely was not happy with what I wrote. And because of that, I am writing this blog now. And will most likely go back and rewrite another blog for this month.
I don't want to say I got "too big for my britches" with all the growth and great things that have been happening, but I may have been "called up" to the "Big Leagues" a little early. I don't think I need to head back to the "Minor Leagues", but I do need to work on my swing. I need to listen more to my coaches. I need to not try to be the best All-around Player at the moment, but perhaps work on being a specialty player. And let my abilities take shape and grow into my role.
A wise friend of mine likes to say something to the effect of "every time you say yes to one thing, you are saying NO to another. Or even several things". And ain't that the truth! I have found myself so busy over the last 5-7 weeks that I have completed roughly 10% of all the projects I set out to do. And only 1/2 of those projects were done to the best of my ability where I can say I am without a doubt proud of what I have done.
I am going to work on prioritizing some things. I want to get back to the basics and what got me to where I am. I want to be true to myself. So I will start using my blog again. And the only other place I think I will be writing is over at Army Wife Network's Loving A Soldier blog. Why there? Simple. Cuz AWN is where my family is. It's where my heart is. And it's where I belong. The only place my heart has ever been into what I am doing is when it was in regards to my personal blog, to my work with MANning and to my work with AWN.
Some of you may not consider what I do as "work". Why? Because I don't get paid for it of course. But I assure you, it is work. Although it is a labor of love.
Through a series of events(teenie tiny minuscule events) over the last week or two I have been doing some major soul searching and reflection. I know I am not "too big for my britches" because the person who is, well they don't search within themselves that often. Thankfully though.... I am reminded of who I am.
Boy.... how I have missed adding songs to close out what I write.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
A 'Novel Idea'
It feels a little weird writing a blog on my own blog. I have been continually writing blogs over the last couple months, but they have been for others rather than myself. But here I am, and not because I am going to share my life like I typically do, but to answer a question.
Today on our Facebook page, MANning the Homefront, for male military spouses(MANspouses), I said if I could get 30 "likes" for a status update I would share a tip on how to get MANspouses to be more involved in unit/installation activities/events.
Getting any military spouse involved in unit functions, installation activities/events, resiliency classes, spouse clubs/organizations and anything else can be difficult. But I think it goes without saying that the MANspouse is even more reluctant to become involved in these things. While this "idea" I have is not a sure fire way to get MANspouses involved, nor will it work for every MANspouse, it is just one of many suggestions I can give for our FRG leaders, unit leaders, FRSA's and anyone and everyone who is working to assist military families to be more resilient.
So are you ready for this "blow your mind" idea?
Ask the male service members in the unit and around the installation to engage the civilian husbands of the female service members.
WOW!!! Sounds crazy huh?
For all intent and purpose, let's assume this blog is solely focusing on folks who instruct resiliency classes and our FRG leaders and FRSA's.
Attending classes, workshops and unit meetings meant for families is of the utmost importance for spouses to have a mission ready service member. For those in leadership positions, you already know this. Something else you may know is most people aren't all that eager to sit through classes and information briefs. Even more, almost every one of us loathes the words mandatory and fun when they are used together.
While an FRG meeting is not mandatory, it often feels that way. Kind of like if our service member spouse doesn't attend, their decision will be frowned upon and possibly even have negative repercussions. I know leadership at the tippity top doesn't want to hear this, but it's the truth. In EVERY unit.
The only thing worse than mandatory fun is when an individual is volun-TOLD to do something. Of course us spouses can not be volun-TOLD to do anything, but we tend to tag along. Both because we value our time with our spouse and so we can show our spouse we support him/her.
FRG meetings are pretty much a "volun-TOLD mandatory fun" event. Some folks show up and pout the entire time, and some of us actually try to make the best out of the situation. Especially when that FRG meeting is scheduled for a Thursday but not announced until Tuesday.
As a guy there is little that is more intimidating than showing up to a room full of women. So let's assume that the unit we are discussing is deployed. A MANspouse shows up for the first time and of course he feels out of place. Can you imagine how far it would go if when he came in he was able to be rescued from all feelings of awkwardness by the REAR D Captain or 1st Sgt? Imagine if one of the guys in uniform came up to him and took him away from the conversations that were about spa trips, girls night out, menstrual cycles, lactating breasts, fashion styles, bikini waxes and of course how "Sally thinks Brenda is wrong for thinking that Judy shouldn't be angry at Melissa for unfriending Melanie because of what Veronica said about her".
Now I know and most of you know that those things I just mentioned aren't really what happens, but hey... clue phone... it's for you; a lot of guys think that's all women talk about. So guys have this mental block that gives them the heevie jeevies about getting involved in these ever important information briefs. And I will say it, my wife is right, "boys are stupid".
Having the men who are on REAR D come over to us during one of these deployment meetings and talking to us about cars, sports, video games, hunting/fishing, beer and meat; prior to and after the meeting..... well it would ease the tension that is there for us. Just tell the men to be ready for some of us to get overly excited like a puppy dog seeing his owner for the first time all day. Cuz some of us men have little to no interaction with other men.
As for the unit meetings/functions that happen while our service member spouse is home, the same thing should be applied. While I personally am the type that has never met a stranger, many men are reluctant to step out of their comfort zone in the first place. Some guys are dragged to these unit functions. And trust me, there is nothing worse than that feeling of "hmmm..... I wonder why no one is coming to talk to my wife? Does she not have any friends at work? Are they scared to talk to her because I am here? Did they not know she is married? Why is everyone staring at me?" Cuz that is pretty much how many men feel. The female MILspouses who know each other sit and talk to one another. Often times their families know one another. The service members do their thing and talk amongst themselves. Then you got these female service members sitting there with their MANspouse husband, all alone. Kinda just... just there.
As a man we want to know who the guy she talks about ALL THE FREAKIN TIME is. We want to know who that fantastic leader that she admires is. We want to know who has our wife's back. We want to know that we can trust our wife with the people she is literally going to war with.
Now this may all sound silly. You may be wondering how in the heck having the male service members coming over to us MANspouses and engaging us will do any good.
You may be saying to yourself "hey, I will suggest this to my husband. Maybe it will help. But I am not going to push him."
LADIES!!!!! There is something in it for you too.
Imagine what would happen if your husband befriends a MANspouse. Maybe some of our diaper changing, clothes washing, dinner making, house cleaning way of life will rub off on him. Maybe we as MANspouses will give him a bit of insight into what your day looks like as we shoot the breeze. When he calls us up to ask us to go to the bar or out fishing and we say "no.... I have 3 loads of laundry to do, a roast in the oven and a teething infant that is going to get up at 11pm, 2am, and then at 4am, for good".... maybe your husband will stop and think about that for a second.
So once again... a great way to get MANspouses involved in your unit.... have the men in the unit go out of their way to make us feel part of the family. Because that's what we are, family. And it's about time MANspouses feel part of this family too.
***PLEASE CHECK OUT OUR FACEBOOK PAGE SO IF YOU COME ACROSS ANY MANSPOUSES YOU CAN LINK THEM TO US. SIMPLY CLICK HERE.***
And please share this blog so others can have their minds blown with this simple idea.
Today on our Facebook page, MANning the Homefront, for male military spouses(MANspouses), I said if I could get 30 "likes" for a status update I would share a tip on how to get MANspouses to be more involved in unit/installation activities/events.
Getting any military spouse involved in unit functions, installation activities/events, resiliency classes, spouse clubs/organizations and anything else can be difficult. But I think it goes without saying that the MANspouse is even more reluctant to become involved in these things. While this "idea" I have is not a sure fire way to get MANspouses involved, nor will it work for every MANspouse, it is just one of many suggestions I can give for our FRG leaders, unit leaders, FRSA's and anyone and everyone who is working to assist military families to be more resilient.
So are you ready for this "blow your mind" idea?
Ask the male service members in the unit and around the installation to engage the civilian husbands of the female service members.
WOW!!! Sounds crazy huh?
For all intent and purpose, let's assume this blog is solely focusing on folks who instruct resiliency classes and our FRG leaders and FRSA's.
Attending classes, workshops and unit meetings meant for families is of the utmost importance for spouses to have a mission ready service member. For those in leadership positions, you already know this. Something else you may know is most people aren't all that eager to sit through classes and information briefs. Even more, almost every one of us loathes the words mandatory and fun when they are used together.
While an FRG meeting is not mandatory, it often feels that way. Kind of like if our service member spouse doesn't attend, their decision will be frowned upon and possibly even have negative repercussions. I know leadership at the tippity top doesn't want to hear this, but it's the truth. In EVERY unit.
The only thing worse than mandatory fun is when an individual is volun-TOLD to do something. Of course us spouses can not be volun-TOLD to do anything, but we tend to tag along. Both because we value our time with our spouse and so we can show our spouse we support him/her.
FRG meetings are pretty much a "volun-TOLD mandatory fun" event. Some folks show up and pout the entire time, and some of us actually try to make the best out of the situation. Especially when that FRG meeting is scheduled for a Thursday but not announced until Tuesday.
As a guy there is little that is more intimidating than showing up to a room full of women. So let's assume that the unit we are discussing is deployed. A MANspouse shows up for the first time and of course he feels out of place. Can you imagine how far it would go if when he came in he was able to be rescued from all feelings of awkwardness by the REAR D Captain or 1st Sgt? Imagine if one of the guys in uniform came up to him and took him away from the conversations that were about spa trips, girls night out, menstrual cycles, lactating breasts, fashion styles, bikini waxes and of course how "Sally thinks Brenda is wrong for thinking that Judy shouldn't be angry at Melissa for unfriending Melanie because of what Veronica said about her".
Now I know and most of you know that those things I just mentioned aren't really what happens, but hey... clue phone... it's for you; a lot of guys think that's all women talk about. So guys have this mental block that gives them the heevie jeevies about getting involved in these ever important information briefs. And I will say it, my wife is right, "boys are stupid".
Having the men who are on REAR D come over to us during one of these deployment meetings and talking to us about cars, sports, video games, hunting/fishing, beer and meat; prior to and after the meeting..... well it would ease the tension that is there for us. Just tell the men to be ready for some of us to get overly excited like a puppy dog seeing his owner for the first time all day. Cuz some of us men have little to no interaction with other men.
As for the unit meetings/functions that happen while our service member spouse is home, the same thing should be applied. While I personally am the type that has never met a stranger, many men are reluctant to step out of their comfort zone in the first place. Some guys are dragged to these unit functions. And trust me, there is nothing worse than that feeling of "hmmm..... I wonder why no one is coming to talk to my wife? Does she not have any friends at work? Are they scared to talk to her because I am here? Did they not know she is married? Why is everyone staring at me?" Cuz that is pretty much how many men feel. The female MILspouses who know each other sit and talk to one another. Often times their families know one another. The service members do their thing and talk amongst themselves. Then you got these female service members sitting there with their MANspouse husband, all alone. Kinda just... just there.
As a man we want to know who the guy she talks about ALL THE FREAKIN TIME is. We want to know who that fantastic leader that she admires is. We want to know who has our wife's back. We want to know that we can trust our wife with the people she is literally going to war with.
Now this may all sound silly. You may be wondering how in the heck having the male service members coming over to us MANspouses and engaging us will do any good.
You may be saying to yourself "hey, I will suggest this to my husband. Maybe it will help. But I am not going to push him."
LADIES!!!!! There is something in it for you too.
Imagine what would happen if your husband befriends a MANspouse. Maybe some of our diaper changing, clothes washing, dinner making, house cleaning way of life will rub off on him. Maybe we as MANspouses will give him a bit of insight into what your day looks like as we shoot the breeze. When he calls us up to ask us to go to the bar or out fishing and we say "no.... I have 3 loads of laundry to do, a roast in the oven and a teething infant that is going to get up at 11pm, 2am, and then at 4am, for good".... maybe your husband will stop and think about that for a second.
So once again... a great way to get MANspouses involved in your unit.... have the men in the unit go out of their way to make us feel part of the family. Because that's what we are, family. And it's about time MANspouses feel part of this family too.
***PLEASE CHECK OUT OUR FACEBOOK PAGE SO IF YOU COME ACROSS ANY MANSPOUSES YOU CAN LINK THEM TO US. SIMPLY CLICK HERE.***
And please share this blog so others can have their minds blown with this simple idea.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Where am I?
It is no secret that when an individual gives up their career to become a full time stay at home parent that they can often "lose themselves". Of course this doesn't happen to everyone and some adapt very well to their entire life being made up of children and homemaking, but for many of US the adjustment is a little more difficult.
I love my job as a stay at home dad. I enjoy being with my toddler all day and all night. I love that he doesn't just want me, he needs me. Typically he falls asleep much better for me than he does mom.
I love being home in the afternoons when my 11 year old comes home. And I love getting him off to school in the mornings(even if we are fighting because he is almost a teenager).
Without a doubt I think the best part of my job is supporting my wife. I get up with her every morning for PT(even though I don't have to) and 19 out of 20 mornings I will have her breakfast ready for her once she gets out of the shower after PT. 17 out of 20 days for lunch I will make whatever she wants when she comes home on lunch break. And if she is going to be gone all day, I am sure to have a well stocked lunch tote ready for her. I tend to think of it like this, if I were the one working full time, I want to be the house husband I would want my wife to be to me. Or as my wife and I like to say, I am "THE HOUSE BITCH!".
I don't want to mislead anyone, I am not "the ultimate house husband". The house is always picked up, but rarely clean. Please don't wear white into my home.
I am ALWAYS with the 2 year old, but we have yet to bake anything or play with paint and colors. Although we have spent a good amount of time hiking down nature trails.
By the time my 11 year old rolls into the house and my wife gets home, I barely have it in me to converse with him let alone do something fun.
I annoy the crap out of my wife. I am constantly following her around like a puppy dog starving for attention.
I am also quite moody. Whether it be my stress level, my depression or the simple fact I am just plain bored, I can make Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde look like Puss n Boots.
This past Friday night my wife gave me the go ahead to go out. She got home early, we were having a light and simple dinner and she could tell I was bored. As I contemplated all the things I could go do NOTHING sounded fun. From my teens to my mid 20's I was a bowler. Not a "let's go have some beers" bowler, a 225 average "bring your paycheck so I can take it" bowler. Once I got custody of my older boy I lost that part of me. I had the chance to sub in a league that Friday night but it didn't appeal to me at all.
There were several movies that came out in the last couple weeks that I desperately want to see but the thought of sitting in a movie theatre for a few hours just wasn't gonna do it.
I thought about going to WalMart, buying a fishing pole and heading to one of the lakes, but man the thought of buying the rod, buying bait, buying tackle and organizing it and then trying to figure out where a decent spot is where I may actually catch something, that all just sounded too daunting.
I swear if I had a gun that night I would have head out into the woods and tracked things down to shoot, kill then eat. I have never been hunting before but the more diapers I change and the more times I use the word "potty" instead of piss, the more I want to get into a bare knuckle brawl with a brown bear.
So you may be wondering what I did Friday night. Well..... I sat around. And if you ask my wife she would probably say I pouted. Whatever you want to call it this is what I know, I spent more time in the last 4 days thinking about how domesticated I have become than I ever have before. Even more than while my wife was deployed. I thought it would get easier when she got home but it hasn't. If anything it has gotten harder. I used to settle for cereal for dinner but now I feel it is my duty to try to make a decent meal(well as decent as I can make which is sometimes a piece of chicken and mac n cheese).
I know a lot of women can relate to this and that is even when my wife gives me the green light to go out, most of the time I can't do it. And even when I can I am unable to check out from being Mr Mom. I am the one worrying if the babysitter is OK with my terror. Or I am the one thinking "we have to get back because he won't go to sleep til late but still be up at regular time and then be cranky." If I leave the boys with her I try not to do it for too long of intervals. Not because she isn't able to parent as good if not better than I, but because it is almost like a reflex. I hear women say all the time how hard it is for them to leave the kids with dad for a few hours without worrying even though they know he is a great dad, so I hope everyone reading this understands what I mean.
There is so much more to this blog that I want to write about. But it all comes back to one thing, I am missing the man in me.
There was a book that changed my life. When I was leading a men's group through my old church we went through a book called "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge. In it he totally captures everything I am trying to say. He explains why I am bored. Yes, he wrote the book specifically for me. Almost all men want the same thing in life. We want "a beauty to rescue, an adventure to live and a battle to fight". In other words men want that same fairy tale that women want. But we want to be the hero in the story instead of the damsel in distress(not saying women are in distress-so don't go all feminine on me). We want to be valiant and strong and courageous. We want to be Tim "The Toolman" Taylor and letting out MAN GRUNTS!! We want action and adventure. We want to hunt, kill and eat something. We want to be giant boys.
Well at least that's what I want. And maybe I am not articulating well what I am trying to say. I love my job as a parent and a husband, but DAMN IT!!! I want to go hang out with Troy Landry from Swamp People. Or I want to go hang out on the Cornelia Marie in the Pacific Ocean off of Alaska fishing for crabs.
For now.... I would settle for a weekend in a cabin. Just me and another guy or 2. We would have some guns, fishing poles and fire starter.
I love my job as a stay at home dad. I enjoy being with my toddler all day and all night. I love that he doesn't just want me, he needs me. Typically he falls asleep much better for me than he does mom.
I love being home in the afternoons when my 11 year old comes home. And I love getting him off to school in the mornings(even if we are fighting because he is almost a teenager).
Without a doubt I think the best part of my job is supporting my wife. I get up with her every morning for PT(even though I don't have to) and 19 out of 20 mornings I will have her breakfast ready for her once she gets out of the shower after PT. 17 out of 20 days for lunch I will make whatever she wants when she comes home on lunch break. And if she is going to be gone all day, I am sure to have a well stocked lunch tote ready for her. I tend to think of it like this, if I were the one working full time, I want to be the house husband I would want my wife to be to me. Or as my wife and I like to say, I am "THE HOUSE BITCH!".
I don't want to mislead anyone, I am not "the ultimate house husband". The house is always picked up, but rarely clean. Please don't wear white into my home.
I am ALWAYS with the 2 year old, but we have yet to bake anything or play with paint and colors. Although we have spent a good amount of time hiking down nature trails.
By the time my 11 year old rolls into the house and my wife gets home, I barely have it in me to converse with him let alone do something fun.
I annoy the crap out of my wife. I am constantly following her around like a puppy dog starving for attention.
I am also quite moody. Whether it be my stress level, my depression or the simple fact I am just plain bored, I can make Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde look like Puss n Boots.
This past Friday night my wife gave me the go ahead to go out. She got home early, we were having a light and simple dinner and she could tell I was bored. As I contemplated all the things I could go do NOTHING sounded fun. From my teens to my mid 20's I was a bowler. Not a "let's go have some beers" bowler, a 225 average "bring your paycheck so I can take it" bowler. Once I got custody of my older boy I lost that part of me. I had the chance to sub in a league that Friday night but it didn't appeal to me at all.
There were several movies that came out in the last couple weeks that I desperately want to see but the thought of sitting in a movie theatre for a few hours just wasn't gonna do it.
I thought about going to WalMart, buying a fishing pole and heading to one of the lakes, but man the thought of buying the rod, buying bait, buying tackle and organizing it and then trying to figure out where a decent spot is where I may actually catch something, that all just sounded too daunting.
I swear if I had a gun that night I would have head out into the woods and tracked things down to shoot, kill then eat. I have never been hunting before but the more diapers I change and the more times I use the word "potty" instead of piss, the more I want to get into a bare knuckle brawl with a brown bear.
So you may be wondering what I did Friday night. Well..... I sat around. And if you ask my wife she would probably say I pouted. Whatever you want to call it this is what I know, I spent more time in the last 4 days thinking about how domesticated I have become than I ever have before. Even more than while my wife was deployed. I thought it would get easier when she got home but it hasn't. If anything it has gotten harder. I used to settle for cereal for dinner but now I feel it is my duty to try to make a decent meal(well as decent as I can make which is sometimes a piece of chicken and mac n cheese).
I know a lot of women can relate to this and that is even when my wife gives me the green light to go out, most of the time I can't do it. And even when I can I am unable to check out from being Mr Mom. I am the one worrying if the babysitter is OK with my terror. Or I am the one thinking "we have to get back because he won't go to sleep til late but still be up at regular time and then be cranky." If I leave the boys with her I try not to do it for too long of intervals. Not because she isn't able to parent as good if not better than I, but because it is almost like a reflex. I hear women say all the time how hard it is for them to leave the kids with dad for a few hours without worrying even though they know he is a great dad, so I hope everyone reading this understands what I mean.
There is so much more to this blog that I want to write about. But it all comes back to one thing, I am missing the man in me.
There was a book that changed my life. When I was leading a men's group through my old church we went through a book called "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge. In it he totally captures everything I am trying to say. He explains why I am bored. Yes, he wrote the book specifically for me. Almost all men want the same thing in life. We want "a beauty to rescue, an adventure to live and a battle to fight". In other words men want that same fairy tale that women want. But we want to be the hero in the story instead of the damsel in distress(not saying women are in distress-so don't go all feminine on me). We want to be valiant and strong and courageous. We want to be Tim "The Toolman" Taylor and letting out MAN GRUNTS!! We want action and adventure. We want to hunt, kill and eat something. We want to be giant boys.
Well at least that's what I want. And maybe I am not articulating well what I am trying to say. I love my job as a parent and a husband, but DAMN IT!!! I want to go hang out with Troy Landry from Swamp People. Or I want to go hang out on the Cornelia Marie in the Pacific Ocean off of Alaska fishing for crabs.
For now.... I would settle for a weekend in a cabin. Just me and another guy or 2. We would have some guns, fishing poles and fire starter.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Be Right Back: Went for a walk
Well, today is the big day. Today I will set out on my attempt to walk 13.1 miles in the Rock n Roll marathon in Washington, DC. As I walk I will hear the song I related to so well replay itself over and over in my mind. If you would like, you can click on the play button and take a listen as you finish this blog.
That song, I Walk Alone, by Marty Robbins, country western star of yesteryear, it was well off of my radar prior to my wife's deployment. I don't remember exactly how I came across it but once I did I knew it was my deployment song.
It's great to think we have people walking with us through times that can be tough, but the truth is we do walk alone for the most part. I don't want to discount the endless amount of love and support I received from friends and family while my wife was deployed, but I had to walk alone through the lonely nights. The nights filled with tossing, turning and torment as I waited for her safe return.
If you have followed my blog for a bit you have heard that song a few times, because it really was MY song. Today it will be my song again.
I am part of the Her War, Her Voice and Not Alone:Life After War team for this marathon. In total our team is comprised of over 40 participants. Some will be on the sidelines cheering us on, most will be running this marathon, and to the best of my knowledge only one will be walking it.
For the last 4 months our team has been preparing for this marathon, both through our fundraiser to help veterans, service members and their families with mental health options and through the physical preparation of participating in a marathon. I had all intentions on making my training the thing that would transform me into a healthier me. I made plans over and over again to let this be what motivates me to create a new me. But the truth is, that didn't happen. In fact, the opposite happened.
Since I agreed to participate in this marathon I have gained nearly 30 pounds. It kills me inside to try to put on what were already a large pair of jeans and feel how much tighter they are now. I am currently closing in on my all time high with my weight at 300 pounds. I smoke a pack of cigarettes every day. I am not a runner. I am not a marathoner. I am not a person who walks for exercise. I am not even a casual walker. But I have to do this.
Each and every day it is estimated that between 16-18 veterans a day are dying. Not because of some disease. Not because of hostile fire. But because they can no longer stand the mental turmoil they find themselves in. They are taking their own lives.
There aren't any statistics about how many family members of veterans and service members are taking their own lives, but we know it is too many.
It is said that currently there are twice as many family members of our service members who are being treated medically and chemically for anxiety, depression and other stress related ailments than ever before. And I am one of them.
I have been on the brink of "giving up". I have come close to that point that I can't even get myself to write down in this blog. And that is part of the reason in all of my Kung Fu Panda likeness I will set out today to do something that could hurt me. Heck, as out of shape as I am, it could kill me if I am not careful.
The real reason I am doing this marathon today actually has little to do with me. It has to do with those who may not have the strength and resources I have been given. While I have walked alone in my darkest hours, there was always someone right there within arms reach. I would say 8 out of 10 times that someone was Melissa from Her War, Her Voice. She told me it was OK to feel the way I did. She and her business partner Christina have used their website and blogs as a tool to not only reach me, but thousands of other military spouses and family members. I can only imagine what this next chapter will look like that we are together writing through this fundraiser.
Today I will take each step for those who may not be able to. Today I will walk alongside anyone who has been "at that point" where enough was enough and were ready to end it all. Today I will walk for all those who have come before me and all those who will follow after me. Today I will rise above....
If you are interested in making a donation to our fundraiser, click here.
If you wish to follow my progress today as I attempt these 13.1 miles, you can do so by checking out the facebook page of Army Wives Do It With*HOOAH*. Once the race begins at 8am, Jamie will be updating my progress as it is emailed to her.
I hope you will rise with me. I also hope you will consider sharing this blog this morning, Saturday,March 17, 2012.
That song, I Walk Alone, by Marty Robbins, country western star of yesteryear, it was well off of my radar prior to my wife's deployment. I don't remember exactly how I came across it but once I did I knew it was my deployment song.
It's great to think we have people walking with us through times that can be tough, but the truth is we do walk alone for the most part. I don't want to discount the endless amount of love and support I received from friends and family while my wife was deployed, but I had to walk alone through the lonely nights. The nights filled with tossing, turning and torment as I waited for her safe return.
If you have followed my blog for a bit you have heard that song a few times, because it really was MY song. Today it will be my song again.
I am part of the Her War, Her Voice and Not Alone:Life After War team for this marathon. In total our team is comprised of over 40 participants. Some will be on the sidelines cheering us on, most will be running this marathon, and to the best of my knowledge only one will be walking it.
For the last 4 months our team has been preparing for this marathon, both through our fundraiser to help veterans, service members and their families with mental health options and through the physical preparation of participating in a marathon. I had all intentions on making my training the thing that would transform me into a healthier me. I made plans over and over again to let this be what motivates me to create a new me. But the truth is, that didn't happen. In fact, the opposite happened.
Since I agreed to participate in this marathon I have gained nearly 30 pounds. It kills me inside to try to put on what were already a large pair of jeans and feel how much tighter they are now. I am currently closing in on my all time high with my weight at 300 pounds. I smoke a pack of cigarettes every day. I am not a runner. I am not a marathoner. I am not a person who walks for exercise. I am not even a casual walker. But I have to do this.
Each and every day it is estimated that between 16-18 veterans a day are dying. Not because of some disease. Not because of hostile fire. But because they can no longer stand the mental turmoil they find themselves in. They are taking their own lives.
There aren't any statistics about how many family members of veterans and service members are taking their own lives, but we know it is too many.
It is said that currently there are twice as many family members of our service members who are being treated medically and chemically for anxiety, depression and other stress related ailments than ever before. And I am one of them.
I have been on the brink of "giving up". I have come close to that point that I can't even get myself to write down in this blog. And that is part of the reason in all of my Kung Fu Panda likeness I will set out today to do something that could hurt me. Heck, as out of shape as I am, it could kill me if I am not careful.
The real reason I am doing this marathon today actually has little to do with me. It has to do with those who may not have the strength and resources I have been given. While I have walked alone in my darkest hours, there was always someone right there within arms reach. I would say 8 out of 10 times that someone was Melissa from Her War, Her Voice. She told me it was OK to feel the way I did. She and her business partner Christina have used their website and blogs as a tool to not only reach me, but thousands of other military spouses and family members. I can only imagine what this next chapter will look like that we are together writing through this fundraiser.
Today I will take each step for those who may not be able to. Today I will walk alongside anyone who has been "at that point" where enough was enough and were ready to end it all. Today I will walk for all those who have come before me and all those who will follow after me. Today I will rise above....
If you are interested in making a donation to our fundraiser, click here.
If you wish to follow my progress today as I attempt these 13.1 miles, you can do so by checking out the facebook page of Army Wives Do It With*HOOAH*. Once the race begins at 8am, Jamie will be updating my progress as it is emailed to her.
I hope you will rise with me. I also hope you will consider sharing this blog this morning, Saturday,March 17, 2012.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
